We've ALL been there. Stressing about being good enough in the bedroom, wishing you could just loosen up and own it. Turns out 79% of guys are in the same boat, grappling with the pressure to live up to an unrealistic sexual ideal.
You can totally fix this. I'll teach you everything you need to know about how to be confident in bed.
In this article, we'll cover:
Sexual Self-Assessment For More Confidence
Stuff like body image, self-esteem, and all that baggage you carry around can totally mess with your flow in the bedroom. Fact is, 50% of men aren't exactly thrilled with their bodies, which can definitely take a hit on your confidence between the sheets. Let's talk about how to change that.
Before we dive into strategies, let's take a quick check of your own body image and sexual confidence.
I. Sexual Self-Talk
Taking a good look at yourself sexually is a big step toward feeling more confident in your own skin. Understanding your thoughts, feelings, and desires gives you a better grip on who you are.
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself about sex. If you keep telling yourself, "I'm terrible in bed," you'll start believing it.
Instead, say, "I'm learning and getting better."
Stop comparing yourself to others and give yourself permission to be sexual and express yourself.
II. Sexual Presence
Mindfulness can totally up your sex game. Women who practice it feel less stressed, enjoy sex more, and have better moods. It can also boost your desire and satisfaction. The exact benefits might vary, but mixing mindfulness into your intimate moments can make a big difference.
It can reduce anxiety and make your sexual experiences more enjoyable.
However, despite knowing that it's sometimes hard not to compare, I get it. Yet it only leads to feeling like you're less than. If you catch yourself comparing, remind yourself that—real life sex is different, so be kind to yourself.
III. Sexual Self-Exploration
Exploring your sexuality helps you figure out what you like and don't like in relationships. It makes you more confident in discussing your needs with your partner.
When you deny yourself this exploration, you can feel uptight, awkward, guilty, or uncomfortable during intimate moments.
Embracing your sexual nature helps you feel sexy and be your best self.
Try using a journal to guide you. Write down the following questions and answer them honestly. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be with her?
Once you've done all of the above, you're ready to move on to step 1.
Step 1: Build Self-Esteem Inside & Outside The Bedroom
When you feel good about yourself in everyday life, it naturally extends to your sex life. Confident people know their values and take action, which makes them attractive.
But a ton of guys—like 60%—wish they had more self-respect. That’s a lot of men missing out on feeling good about themselves!
So, if you want to level up your sex life and be good in bed, here's how to boost your self-esteem and see those benefits ripple into the bedroom.
I. Value Evaluation
Knowing your values is the first step. Living your life according to what you actually believe in makes you way happier (studies show it's true). It lets you know who you are and what you stand for. This clarity makes you more confident in all areas of life.
For example, some of my top values are health, personal development, and sexual leadership. I learned about the importance of values from my mentor, Dr. John Demartini.
Taking a values test can help you get clear on your own values and boost your self-confidence.
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II. Masculine Leadership
Aligning your lifestyle with your values and working on self-improvement boosts your overall confidence.
Get your body moving! Seriously, 89% of people say exercise boosts their confidence. So go for a run, or whatever gets you sweating. You'll not only look better but feel way better about yourself.
Standing up for yourself and doing the hard things outside the bedroom makes you more confident inside it.
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III. Sexual Leadership
Understanding who you are sexually helps you lead with confidence in the bedroom.
Doing the Perfect Day Exercise can clarify preferences. Imagine knowing exactly what turns you on and what doesn't. The more you know about yourself, the better you can guide and satisfy your partner.
This self-awareness makes you more confident and effective in your sexual interactions. Don’t forget, it’s not wrong to put in a bit of effort to understand yourself.
In our culture, many guys struggle with this, but it's worth the time.
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Step 2: Uplevel Your Communication Inside The Bedroom
When you can talk openly about your desires and boundaries, it creates a sense of trust and comfort with your partner.
Couples who communicate openly about their sexual needs and boundaries report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
This transparency helps both of you understand each other's needs, making the experience more enjoyable and stress-free. Here is how..
I. Bring Up “The Talk”
Starting a conversation about sex sets the foundation for open communication. It ensures both partners feel heard and understood.
Addressing these topics can prevent misunderstandings and help you feel more connected and confident.
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II. Tonality & Delivery
How you deliver your message is key to effective sexual communication. Good delivery can make discussing sensitive topics much easier and help you feel confident when with your partner.
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III. Topics To Address
Talking about preferences, desires, and boundaries builds mutual understanding and respect.
Discussing fantasies and consent ensures that both partners feel safe and valued, building confidence and trust.
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IV. Dealing With Rejection
Getting rejected sucks, no doubt. But guess what?
Experiencing rejection can lead to greater personal insight and be an opportunity for growth and learning.
Every time you get turned down, you're actually learning what works and what doesn't.
Handling rejection well will help you out in all aspects of life. Understanding that rejection is not a personal attack can help you stay positive.
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Oftentimes when we get rejected it feels as if the world ends. We feel this massive discomfort in our bodies. Our stomach cramps, everything inside of us contracts— and yes this can feel like a little death inside.
In cases where the feeling is very overwhelming it can lead to a fight or flight
response where we defend ourselves lead by anxiety or panic. What we need to do is to learn self-soothing tools to regulate our nervous system in a moment like this.
That can simply look like telling the person in front of you that you need a moment to yourself, and then taking some deep belly breath while repeating the following words: I am okay, this is just temporary, it will pass.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
Step 3: Improve Sexual Skills
Improving your sexual skills is a big part of building sexual confidence. But even the best technique only helps if you're also working on feeling more self-assured.
Here are some key areas to focus on to boost your skills and confidence.
Key Area #1 - Become a Great Kisser
Looking to spark some instant chemistry? Let's talk kissing – it's more than just a romantic gesture.
Research suggests that a single kiss can engage 146 muscles. We're talking 34 facial muscles working overtime alongside 112 postural muscles for a mini full-body workout.
Plus, every kiss is a chance to practice and perfect your technique. Don't be afraid to experiment and find what turns your partner on.
A good kiss can take things from zero to sixty real quick.
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Key Area #2 - Learn to Give Her a Pussy Massage
This technique focuses on her comfort and satisfaction, showing that you care about her needs.
Use massage oil for a hot, natural touch, and don't let fear or shame hold you back.
It can also improve communication between you two and lead to mind-blowing experiences when you make your partner cum over and over again.
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Key Area #3 - Improve Your Oral Skills
Leveling up your oral skills shows your partner that you desire and worship her.
Being good at oral comes with a passion and love for it which automatically helps you to feel more confident.
Plus, learning how to eat pussy like a pro will make her feel good, too.
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Key Area #4 - Try Different Sex Positions
Exploring different sex positions helps you discover what works best for both of you.
Plus, it shakes up the routine, which we need in any relationship.
This variety will boost your confidence by showing you’re adventurous and willing to try new things.
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Key Area #5 - Learn How To Use Sex Toys
Mastering how to use sex toys shows you’re a guy who's open to exploring new things. Getting good with toys will make you look confident and able in the bedroom.
Not only that, but she'll love your new skills, and it can significantly enhance both of your sexual pleasure. The toy I recommend my clients to start with is usually the Hitachi Wand since it is easy to handle and can spice things up immediately.
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Andrew's Expert Advice To Destroy Performance Anxiety
Having personally coached over 5,000 men, I've observed firsthand the significant impact this can have on self-esteem and overall sexual satisfaction.
Society wants you to believe sex is all about performance, but it's really about connection.
Trust me, it's about finding your rhythm, not forcing a perfect performance.
I. Premature Ejaculation
Dealing with premature ejaculation can be frustrating. Not being able to control when you want to ejaculate or not is a very common issue in men. But there are steps you can take to gain back control.
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II. Delayed Ejaculation
If you struggle with delayed ejaculation, meaning you can't cum (at all) it might be time to look at your habits and stress levels.
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III. Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction can feel like a major setback. Not getting it up or being able to keep it up can cause a massive confidence dip. The good news is that lifestyle changes can make a big difference.
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Every 3rd man struggles with performance issues at some point in his life. It can be disarming and frustrating to deal with it —believe me I've been there.
After learning over a decade from mentors worldwide about sexuality and the challenges it brings up within us, I’m excited to introduce "The Lasting System," a new online course designed to help you overcome your performance issues.
Frequently Asked Questions
Now, you're one step closer to becoming more confident in bed. There's just one last thing...
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