10 Reasons Why You Can’t Make Her Cum and What to Do About It

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10 Reasons Why You Can’t Make Her Cum and What to Do About It

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"Why can't I make her cum?"

I've heard it countless times before from personal friends and my clients. It's part of the reason why I created this business.

I want to see men help their partners achieve mindblowing, powerful orgasms regularly.

And no. Clitoral stimulation is not the only way to make her cum.

That said, if a woman is not reaching orgasm, it isn't necessarily a reflection of your abilities.

There are various factors, both physiological and psychological, that can influence a woman's ability to cum.

10 Reasons She Isn't Coming With You

Besides the obvious reasons, such as not enough or inadequate foreplay, or a lack of clitoral stimulation, there are a few others that you might not have thought of that could be preventing her from cumming, and we are going to discuss them all; one by one, to get your sex life back on the right track!

Reason #1 - Hormonal Imbalances

Hormonal fluctuations are common during different life stages, such as the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, or menopause. 


They can significantly affect a woman’s libido, also known as her sex drive and ability to cum.

sex-hormone-production-in-men-and-women-graph

These changes can make her feel physically uncomfortable or emotionally out of sync with either you or even herself, which can impact her on all levels, from reducing physical sensations to simply putting her “out of the mood.” 

Solution

Open communication about her physical and emotional state can help. Communication does not come easily to everyone. Otherwise, the world would be problem-free, right?

Therefore, if you want to learn more about proper communication techniques and how to get the most out of them, go here. 

It might also be helpful to speak with a healthcare professional who can offer advice or treatment options like hormone therapy

Reason #2 - Emotional Barriers

Stress, anxiety, relationship troubles, or unresolved emotional concerns can create multiple barriers to sexual pleasure. 


As a result, she might not be able to cum. Any one of these issues can prevent her from relaxing and fully enjoying sex, making it difficult for her to reach orgasm. 

Solution

Create a supportive environment for her.

Let her know that you have her back by making the bedroom comfortable, avoiding confrontational or aggressive language, and not rushing her into anything she might not be ready for.

Therapy or couples counseling can also effectively address and resolve deeper emotional or relationship issues.

Reason #3 - Medication Side Effects

Certain medications, such as antidepressants and birth control pills, are known to interfere with libidos. 


They can also affect her ability to orgasm because they delay or prevent orgasm, affect overall sexual satisfaction, or even reduce sensation in her pelvic area or breasts. 

Solution

She should consider discussing her medication with her healthcare provider.

An adjustment to her current medications or a switch to different ones might help resolve these side effects.

Reason #4 - Physical Health Problems

Underlying health problems like diabetes, pelvic floor dysfunction, or hormonal disorders can directly impact a woman’s ability to orgasm.

Conditions that affect blood flow, nerve function, or general health can all reduce sexual pleasure and sensation or make her feel generally unwell and disinterested in sex. 


As everyone knows from personal experience, being sick or feeling slightly off usually does not produce the best experiences in the bedroom.

Solution

Start by resolving these health conditions with medical care. Focus on finding the root of the problem and tailor a solution to it.

For example, pelvic floor physical therapy could be beneficial, and adjusting medication or adding more holistic aspects (better diet, more sleep, more exercise) to her regime can all help.

Reason #5 - Physical Discomfort

Some factors cause physical discomfort or pain during sex. For example, she might experience general pain throughout her body during sex, pain from entry, or even just pain from her menstrual cycle. 


Any form of pain or physical discomfort can make having an orgasm difficult.

There are also issues like vaginal dryness, which could be the result of hormonal imbalances, or rushing into sex without enough foreplay can cause physical discomfort.


Moreover, a partner with poor personal hygiene, such as unkempt fingernails or a scratchy beard, can also contribute to discomfort.

Solution

If vaginal dryness is the problem, use a high-quality lubricant during sex. Aim for water-based lubricants and reapply when needed. You might also benefit from more or just better foreplay. Learn better foreplay techniques here.

However, if vaginal dryness is the result of hormonal imbalances or other medical issues, seeking professional medical advice is the better route.

If pain is the issue, this is often paired with tension in her pelvic area. Techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, Kegel exercises, and Jade Egg practices can temporarily release tension.

A consultation with a professional is recommended to address potential underlying issues.

Reason #6 - Performance Pressure

Feeling pressured to perform or achieve orgasm can lead to mental blockages, which make it difficult for her to relax and enjoy the experience.


This type of anxiety can be a major barrier to sexual satisfaction and having orgasms.

Like men, most women can experience performance pressure during sex. She might feel rushed, not sexy, or like you do not find her beautiful.


The performance pressure might be real or imagined, but will have the result of causing her to be out of the moment and, most likely, unable to cum.

Solution

If the performance anxiety is real, get her to focus on the experience, not the outcome.

Remind her that you’re not asking her to orgasm or to do anything in particular. Insist that the evening is about mutual pleasure and not making each other cum.

If the performance anxiety is imagined, try to bring her back to reality by being playful and relaxed during sex.

Reassure her that you find her sexy, beautiful, and everything else under the sun.

Reason #7 - Lack of Communication

Not openly discussing desires, boundaries, contraception, and preferences can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of emotional disconnect during sex.


If she doesn’t feel emotionally connected or satisfied, it can be hard for her to relax during sex. Without being relaxed and enjoying herself, it is unlikely she will cum

Solution

Make open and honest communication the norm inside and outside the bedroom.

Regular discussions about sexual preferences and comfort levels are the building blocks for trust, great sex, and orgasms.

Reason #8 - Unfamiliarity with Her Body

Every woman’s body is different; what worked for a previous partner may not work with another.


Additionally, a woman may not fully understand her own body's responses, which can hinder her ability to communicate what she needs or wants from you in the bedroom.

Solution

Take time to explore and learn about each other's bodies through experimentation and feedback.

This can involve trying different touches, techniques, and new positions when together.

When not together, try to get her to explore her own body and share something new that she discovered about it.

Reason #9 - Past Trauma or Sexual History

Previous traumatic experiences or negative associations with sex are a big deal.


They can create deep-seated psychological barriers and long-held trauma that make it difficult for a woman to relax, enjoy, or have an orgasm.


This emotional baggage most likely affects her outside of the bedroom, too.

Solution

Remind sensitive and patient with your partner.

She might need professional therapy or counseling to resolve these issues and past traumas.

As her partner, it’s your goal to always be open, honest, supportive, and understanding, and never rush her to change or act a certain way.

These traumas and issues may be too big to tackle on your own, so proceed with caution and reach out for help if required and possible.

Reason #10 - Not Being on the Same Page

Differences in what each partner expects from sex, including desires and preferences, can lead to dissatisfaction and a lack of enjoyment, which spells trouble for having an orgasm.


When expectations don’t align, it can be difficult for her to fully engage and enjoy sex.

Expectations can misalign for numerous reasons. Some common ones are that partners do not talk enough about sex. 


You might have assumed she liked something, and she might have assumed you enjoyed something when that was not the case.

Solution

It’s easier than it sounds. However, reminding yourself to sit down and have open and honest conversations about sexual expectations and desires is very important.

Without them, you cannot expect to align your goals, wants, and needs to make everyone healthy and happy in the bedroom.

Bonus: Distraction or Lack of Focus

I did not want you to walk away without this one last tip!

While it might sound obvious, we often forget that being distracted by numerous thoughts or external stresses can prevent a woman from reaching orgasm.

She might be miles away, focusing on cleaning the house for the weekend party, finishing her art project, or even scrolling on Instagram.


Our minds can be elsewhere in many ways while our bodies are here. When this happens, enjoying sex, let alone having an orgasm, is an uphill battle.

Solution

Practices like mindfulness or focusing on sensations during sex can help her stay in the moment and cum.

Encouraging her to communicate what she enjoys about sex, about you, or wants in the moment can help her focus, which will then lead to more engaging and satisfying sexual experiences.

Sexual Techniques to Make Her Cum

You should become familiar with these areas of the female body. First, we will discuss how to stimulate one spot on her body. Next, we’ll discuss combinations. 

I. Single Stimulation

You should become familiar with these areas of the female body. First, we will discuss how to stimulate one spot on her body. Next, we’ll discuss combinations. 

There’s way more than one way you can make a woman orgasm, both by stimulating her internally or externally.

Single Stimulation - External

  • Clitoris: External C-Spot, a wishbone-shaped pleasure powerhouse, the clitoral pearl, covered by the clitoral hood, is the only visible part of the clitoris; it continues to be invisible along the sides of her vaginal opening
  • Opening of the Vagina: Concentrating stimulation at the vaginal opening, which has numerous nerve endings, can also feel good. Gentle circular motions or slight in-and-out motions usually get the job done.
  • Her Breasts: For some women, stimulation of the breasts alone can be extremely pleasurable and even lead to orgasm. For more breast play techniques, go here.

Single Stimulation - Internal

  • G-Spot: Located on the front wall of the vagina, stimulating the G-spot through targeted internal pressure can lead to intense orgasms for some women. This can be achieved through fingers or a G-spot-specific toy that curves to hit the right spot.
  • Cervix: Internal C-Spot, straight inside her vagina, feels a bit like the tip of your nose; for some women, the cervix is extremely sensitive

  • A- Spot: Pass the G-Spot and upward; at the upper end of her vaginal canal

  • D-Spot: Pass the G-Spot and downward; it's a less commonly discussed area; the D-spot refers to a zone dense with nerve endings located at the lower end of the vaginal canal, just before it slopes upwards towards the cervix. Direct stimulation here can also be very pleasurable.

II. Dual Stimulation

Dual stimulation means that you simultaneously stimulate two different areas of her body, which increases the likelihood of orgasm. 

  • Vaginal and Clitoral: This is one of my favorite and most effective combinations, where internal penetration is paired with clitoral stimulation. This can be achieved through sex with additional clitoral stimulation from your hand, a sex toy, or even her own hand. 
  • Anus and Clitoris: Stimulating both these areas simultaneously can be a very powerful experience. You could try anal sex or just anal penetration with a finger or toy while playing with her clitoris.
  • Nipples and Clitoris: This dual focus can be achieved through manual stimulation of the breasts combined with playing with her clit with either your hands, mouth or a sex toy.

Whichever technique you choose, I swear by having water and a towel handy.


Giving her water after or even during sex can be very comforting, and the towel might come in handy for clean-up later on.

Although these techniques work for most women, they might not work for all for various reasons (see the section on past trauma and physical discomfort).


Many of my clients feel disheartened when it takes a long time to eventually get their partner to orgasm. But don't worry; with her help, you can eventually get there.

If they don’t work the first time, give it another go later on.


Talk about what you liked and what she liked, and make adjustments. 


Never stick to something that does not work for either of you.

Isabel

SEXUALITY COACH

Andrew's Proven Expert Tips to Make Her Cum

After coaching more than 5,000 men and supporting them in their intimate relationships, let me tell you:


Techniques are important for helping her cum, but her emotional and mental state also plays a role. 


She must feel connected and fully present on all levels to truly let go, enjoy sex, and reach climax.

Here are a few tips you can use to help her be more present, and also support her emotionally and mentally along the way.

Tip #1 - Breath, Sound, Movement & Vocal Expressions

Get her to use breath, sound, and movement to vocalize pleasure.


How do you do that? Do it yourself first and lead by example. 


When you show her it’s okay to release and be expressive, you’ll find she feels more comfortable doing the same.

At the same time, be aware of what she’s showing you.


Being mindful of her reactions, quickening breath, sounds of enjoyment, and guiding movements can show you what she enjoys most. 


For instance, if she sighs or moans more intensely with certain touches, continue or intensify your actions in response.

Tip #2 - Erotic Massage

When she's stressed, use an erotic massage to relax her body and build sexual tension.


Slow, purposeful strokes can help ease her stress and make her more sensitive to your touch. 


She'll feel not only calm but also more turned on, which will help her cum later on.


Gently touching her inner thighs before approaching more sensitive areas can build anticipation and excitement.

Tip #3 - Teasing and Edging

Teasing and edging means bringing her to the brink of orgasm and then reducing stimulation to delay climax. 


Repeating this process several times can create a more intense orgasm when it happens.

For example, adjust your touch during oral sex, when giving a massage, or playing with her genitals or breasts. Reduce speed or pressure, then build back up.


This method can make her final orgasm more powerful and satisfying.

Tip #4 - Love Going Down on Her

Show excitement and enjoyment in giving oral sex!


Your enjoyment can greatly increase hers. When she knows you love it, she is more likely to relax and be present with you. 


And if you don’t take away anything else from this article, being present is fundamental for a great sexual experience.

When you start giving oral, change speed and pressure based on her reactions. Find out what she enjoys the most and keep at it. 


Some women need consistent, direct stimulation, while other women need varying sensations in order to feel pleasure and eventually orgasm.

Isabel

SEXUALITY COACH

Try all these techniques when you close your laptop and go to your partner.


As you will find out below, not every woman can orgasm every single time.


However, that does not mean you cannot give her an amazing sexual experience and eventually, with time and patience, help her cum not once but multiple times.

Frequently Asked Questions

As a relationship and sex coach, I often get asked questions about making a woman cum. The truth is — you can’t make her cum!


However, you can help her learn how to orgasm and enjoy sex by following the tips mentioned above.


In this section, you’ll find a few more questions that are most likely on your mind right now. Take a moment to have a look. 

Do women orgasm every time they have sex?

No, women do not necessarily orgasm every time they have sex. The ability to orgasm during sex varies widely among women due to physical, emotional, and situational factors. It's quite common for women to experience pleasure without reaching orgasm.

Can every woman orgasm from penetrative sex?

Not every woman can orgasm solely from penetrative sex. Many women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. This varies from person to person, so understanding what works for each woman can go a long way. Moreover, good sex is not based on your size. You can have an average-sized penis and still make a woman cum, so remove any thoughts that your size might be at fault here.

Am I bad in bed if I can't make her cum?

Being unable to make her orgasm does not mean you are bad in bed! Sexual compatibility and satisfaction involve communication, understanding, and mutual effort. Focus on learning what pleases your partner and exploring different ways to enjoy sex together while helping her become more familiar with her own body and helping her address mental or physical issues that might be the cause of the problem.

Do I go faster or slower when she is about to cum?

Whether to go faster or slower as she is about to climax depends on her response and preferences. Pay attention to her body language and vocalizations. Many women appreciate maintaining a consistent rhythm and pressure that has been working, but some might prefer an increase in speed or intensity. Ask her during sex, "faster" or "slower," and don’t be afraid to get feedback.

What can I do to increase her pleasure?

Focus on your emotional connection, better effective communication, and talk about her preferences. Try various techniques, including oral sex, using your hands, and sex toys. Let her know that it is okay to express what feels good. Stay receptive to feedback, and continue to make sure she is relaxed and emotionally connected during sex.

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CVR Blog - Single

Andrew Mioch

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Andrew Mioch is one of the world’s leading sex coaches and best-selling author after spending 10 years learning from experts all over the world.

Currently pursuing his Master’s Degree in Sexology, Andrew has personally coached over 5,000 men. His expertise is regularly sought in publications such as Men's Health, Medium, and Cosmopolitan Magazine.

These days, Andy spends most of his time coaching clients privately and also through SQL’s online Mastery Academy.

Disclosure: Our content is reader-supported. This means if you click on some of our links, then we may earn a commission. We only recommend products that we believe will add value to our readers.

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