If you're new to using handcuffs and want to understand how to use them safely and effectively, you're in the right place.
I will explain how to use them in various positions, cover safety tips, and much more..
If you already own a pair, jump straight into the step-by-step on how to use them — if not, keep reading. There's a lot to know about cuffs, and you want to ensure you pick the right one.
In this article, we'll cover:
Understanding Handcuffs
Handcuffs come in different types, each suited for different situations. Knowing the differences helps you choose the right pair for your needs.
Using Handcuffs: Step-By-Step
Handcuffs are usually perfectly safe in the bedroom. There's never been a time when my partner or I felt unsure about them, and for most of my clients, it's the same sentiment... that is if you follow the 9 steps outlined below.
Check that the lock works every time. Lock and unlock the cuffs multiple times to be sure. You don't want to end up in a sticky situation where your partner is unable to free themselves in an emergency.
Ask your partner what positions she wants to try first. I have a few suggestions for you in the next section if you need some inspiration for your first time. After that, make sure she's comfortable. Get the pillows ready and positioned as she likes them.
Put one cuff on one of your partner’s wrists. Ensure it’s snug but not too tight, with the lock facing out for easy access if she uses her safe word.
Attach the second cuff to the other wrist, making sure it matches the first cuff in fit and position.
Talking with your cuffed partner and moving her hands and fingers slightly to make sure circulation is good is a must here! Forget sliding knots and other more advanced techniques with ropes, if you haven't gotten this step down yet. Handcuffs can be dangerous. Ones that are too tight can cut off blood flow, causing numbness, tingling, or even nerve damage.
Give the cuffs a gentle pull to confirm they are locked properly and will hold securely.
You know what comes next.. the fun part.
Best Sex Positions When Using Handcuffs
In step 4, we went over picking different positions. There are a few, such as Missionary, Doggy Style, Cowgirl, or Cavemen, that will give you the excitement you and her crave!
For an added bonus, I'll show you how to use handcuffs in the shower.
I. Missionary
In the missionary position, handcuffs can be applied to the wrists and then secured to the headboard while the receiving partner lies on the bed. If you're up for it, you can pin her hands above her head and hold them there.
Being slightly restrained in a familiar position makes every touch feel more intense and focuses attention on the sensations.
Eye contact and closeness add excitement and a personal touch. Not being able to move freely can also build more anticipation.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
II. Doggy Style
For doggy style, handcuffs can be used to bind the wrists behind the back while you hold on to them or allow them to rest naturally on her back.
Doggy Style is already a pretty dominant position. With the added touch of having her hands restrained behind her back, she will feel even more submissive and at your mercy. The sensation of being held down can be incredibly exciting and intense.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
III. Cowgirl
In the cowgirl position, handcuffs can either be attached behind the back, in front of her chest, or even to something above, like a headboard on the bed, if sitting against it.
Cowgirl is many women's favorite position because when she can control the movements, it's more likely to hit her spots and erogenous zones just as she likes it.
Now, with handcuffs, she can release some of that complete control by letting you pull her down toward your face with the cuffs.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
IV. Caveman
In the caveman position, where one partner is typically more dominant, handcuffs can be used on the wrists, with hands either in front or behind, depending on her choice.
Women usually like the primal, dominant nature of the Caveman position. The unpredictability added by handcuffs, along with direct stimulation and firm handling, can excitingly heighten her arousal.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
V. Shower Sex
During shower sex, handcuffs can be fastened to one wrist with the other free or both secured depending on safety and balance.
There are special cuffs you can use in the shower called suction cuffs. They attach to the wall or glass. I highly recommend grabbing a pair and adding them to your box of sex toys.
Your partner might enjoy the mix of water, handcuffs, and being in the shower because it feels different than the standard Sunday morning routine.
It can also bring an extra level of excitement since the water's sensation can add another stimulation to the play.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
VI. Eating Her Out
When using handcuffs during oral sex, they can be secured to keep hands either behind the back or attached to her ankles to completely limit movement.
Handcuffs focus all attention on receiving pleasure without any distractions during oral play. The feeling of helplessness and vulnerability, paired with the trust involved, can deepen emotional connections.
Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH
Common Mistakes To Avoid
It's easy for first-timers to make mistakes that can lead to discomfort or other problems. I've heard a fair share of horror stories involving cuffs.
Although handcuffs and other restraints are safe, they are only safe when both partners are fully present and understand the risks.
Here's more on how to avoid making these mistakes so you can get back to having better sex.
Mistake #1 - Overly Tight or Loose Restraints
Using restraints that are too tight can block circulation and cause injuries, while too loose restraints might not be effective and could lead to accidental release.
Solution
Mistake #2 - Not Having Emergency Release Mechanisms in Place
You need a way to quickly and safely remove restraints in case of an emergency. When you don't, your partner might panic, and that panic might result in injuries. Not only that, but from experience, panic is a serious mood killer.
Solution
Mistake #3 - Leaving The Restraint Partner Alone
Leaving a restrained partner alone can cause them to feel anxious, vulnerable, and panic.
Solution
Mistake #4 - No Aftercare & Debriefing
Neglecting aftercare and debriefing can lead to unresolved feelings and discomfort after any sexual activity, let alone a new one.
Solution
Andrew's Expert Tips For Mitigating Discomfort & Panic
When trying something new in a close relationship, it's important that everyone feels safe and comfortable.
I've worked with a lot of men over the years who shared experiences in which their partners freaked out during bondage or restraint play.
And I get it, handling new experiences can be tricky, but the right steps can help cut down on discomfort and prevent any freakouts.
Let's go over some strategies to make things more comfortable and build trust.
I. Communicate
In any relationship, especially when trying new things, it’s really important to talk clearly and honestly. Discuss what you both expect and want and agree on safe words to use if things get too intense.
Easy Safewords:
Easy Safeactions:
II. Set Realistic Expectations
Trying new things can feel difficult at first. It’s normal to feel unsure, so start with easy goals. Take your time to get used to each new thing, building up slowly so you don’t feel overwhelmed. This way, both of you can explore without too much stress and feel more confident as you go.
III. Sensual Touch & Affection
If you or your partner feel uncomfortable or anxious, gentle touches and showing affection can really help. These actions make your partner feel cared for and closer to you. Simple things like soft touches or hugs can calm nerves and make you both feel safer and more connected.
IV. Reassurance
Regularly tell your partner that you care about her. Share your feelings, give compliments, and let her know you care about her well-being. This not only boosts her confidence but also calms any worries, making sure she feels safe and loved.
V. Breathe Together
To reduce stress and anxiety, focus on breathing together. Practice taking deep breaths to sync up your feelings and physical state. Slow, deep breaths together keep both of you relaxed and focused, setting a good mood to begin.
Frequently Asked Questions
Ropes, handcuffs, and spreader bars—I've tried them all. Here are a few of the hot questions that might be on your mind, along with answers.
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