How to Get the Spark Back and Keep It In the Bedroom

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How to Get the Spark Back and Keep It In the Bedroom

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Feeling like you've gone from lovers to roommates? You're not alone.

Many couples hit a rough patch where their sex life goes from 100 to 0, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

I'll show you, using my years of experience working with clients across the world, how to reconnect and how to get the spark back in the bedroom.

In this article, we'll cover:

  • Practical tips for couples dealing with low libido, performance anxiety, routine, or no sex at all.
  • How to address sexual challenges and talk about your sex life, increasing romance and intimacy.
  • Easy exercises to improve your relationship, making things better inside and outside the bedroom.

4 Simple Tips To Get The Spark Back

These practical tips will take your sex life back on track, whether you're in a long-term relationship or just recently made things official.

I've tailored each tip to focus on masculine leadership, meaning you take charge of the situation, ensuring you have the best interest of your partner at heart.

Instant Win

If you're not ready to master masculine leadership or are unsure what it means, I'll teach you.

Still, I highly suggest you do the more extensive work by reading 'The Best She's Ever Had,' a book I crafted from years of experience and insights from some of the most influential names in the industry.

I'll make getting the spark back easier than you thought possible. Just follow every one of these detailed steps.

Let's dive into some of those techniques...

Tip #1 - Let’s Talk About Sex

Talking about sex is the glue to a healthy relationship.

It helps prevent resentment and creates a space where both partners feel heard and understood, making it one of the first steps to overcoming a dead bedroom scenario.

  • As the man, take the lead here.
  • Open up the floor for conversation, ensuring she feels heard and understood.
  • Taking the lead doesn't mean controlling the flow of the conversation; it means establishing the right tone (serious but thoughtful) and guiding the conversation until it reaches a satisfying and productive end.

Words You Can Say

Start the conversation with,
"I've been thinking, and I value our connection a lot; I enjoy spending life with you, and I really want to connect more with you inside the bedroom again. I know we've had a bit of a dry spell, and I'd like to work on this with you cause I find you as sexy as on our first date. Are you open to this?"

Use positive reinforcement and say something like,
"I love it when we [sex act]. How do you feel about doing more of that?"

Make sex a regular topic. Say,
"Let's set aside sometime each week to check in with each other."

Tip #2 - Make Sex & Intimacy a Priority

Learn how to make sex and intimacy important again, be it inside or outside the bedroom, in long-term relationships or short-term ones.

Often, the spark is lost because we stop spending time on our relationships, expecting them to maintain themselves. However, that's like leaving a car alone and hoping it cleans itself and puts oil in the engine.

It won't happen.

Think of a relationship the same way you would anything else that matters to you. It needs care to grow and thrive. Without it, nothing (not even the best relationships on the planet) will last.

What To Do OUTSIDE The Bedroom

  • Hold hands and kiss more often
  • Cuddle and hug frequently
  • Have dinner together and talk
  • Dedicate time to connect without phones or work
  • Write love notes and share gratitude
  • Give compliments so she can feel sexy

What To Do INSIDE The Bedroom

  • Go to bed at the same time
  • Touch each other's bodies without the pressure of PIV sex
  • Try oral, erotic massage, pussy massage, toys, and role-play
  • schedule time for sex

Tip #3 - Start Dating Each Other Again

When you first met, the novelty of the connection released dopamine, making you more engaged and excited about each other.

For this step to work, be the one to take the initiative and get the ball rolling again. Don't wait for her to make the move.

Recreate that initial sexual attraction by dating again. Organize date nights that focus on having meaningful conversations and making an effort for each other.

What to do
  • Plan date nights: one organized by you, one by her, and one together.
  • Go on adventures or try new activities such as hiking, taking a cooking class, or learning a new skill together.

To get your creativity started, you'll find 3 of my favorite date night ideas that also got extremely positive feedback and success stories from multiple of my clients over the years below.

Date Night #1 - The Vibrating Egg

This date night centers on spontaneity, dominance, and a bit of kinky fun. You'll need a vibrating egg sex toy to get started. 

  • Seduce your wife with some passionate kisses, and whisper into her ear that you have a little surprise planned.
  • Turn her on and insert the egg inside her vagina; don't forget to apply lube.
  • Keep the remote in your pocket. Dress up and go out for a nice dinner that you organized upfront.
  • Whenever you feel like it is surprising her, push the remote and send vibrations through her entire body.

My personal favorite moments to do it, are when she is walking in high-heels, when the waiter asks for her order, or when she isn't thinking of it anymore.

This date night works great as foreplay, getting her wet and excited long before you get back home.

Date Night #2 - Sensual Masseuse

Clear out your schedule. You don't want to rush this activity because if you do it correctly, you might end up having some of the best sex of your life.

  • Clear out your schedule. You don't want to rush this activity because if you do it correctly, you might end up having some of the best sex of your life.
  • Gather as many pillows, cushions, soft mats, and blankets as possible. Assemble them in the room before your partner arrives. Alternatively: Set up a massage table.
  • Guide her into the space and ask her to get comfortable and fully undress.
  • Ask her to lie down on the mat or massage table (if you have one).
  • Apply massage oil to your hands.
  • Start massaging her entire body from bottom to top, paying extra attention to her sensitive spots and erogenous zones.
  • Avoid her genitals for now and instead touch her entire body from head to toe. Pay attention how she reacts and figure out what type of touch she enjoys the most.

This by various clients tested combination of physical touch, good smells, and soft music will definitely get her in the mood.

It works because most women love sensual touch and a lot of foreplay (up to 20 minutes of it) to be ready for sex.

Date Night #3 - Fiking

One of my preferred more unconventional date night ideas is returning to nature.

If it's not apparent yet, fiking is fucking + hiking.

You don't need anything special for this date night. Just get a backpack, blanket, lube, and two water bottles.

  • Gather your supplies and drive to your start location.
  • Spend a few minutes or an hour walking, enjoying the silence, nature, and peace.
  • When you reach a good spot, I suggest you two take a break to hydrate and rest.
  • Put the blanket down and ask her to side.
  • Go in for a kiss, and caresses, then start moving towards more intimate touches.

If done right, by the end of the date, you'll be exhausted and seeing stars, if you catch my drift.

It puts you and her as far away from the "real world" as possible.


Sometimes, adding a bit of separation between your relationship and the outside world is needed to get things moving in the right direction again.

Tip #4 - Explore Your Perfect Day

This easy and simple exercise is one of the most powerful and transformative techniques I usually only teach in my in-person retreats or our online membership.

It is adaptable into a personal and partner mission, if done solo you will experience a deeper understanding of your sexuality and if done with your partner it is a playful way to open up the conversation about sex to get back the spark.

What to do

  • Get a journal or gather a few sheets of paper, if you prefer.
  • Write out your perfect sexual day from morning to night. Don't shy away from details. Include what you want inside and outside the bedroom (even if you never shared this before). This is all about you and your deepest desires, so don't think about what she might like or want right now.
  • Optional: When you're both done, share what you wrote. Practice active listening. When she speaks, you listen, and vice versa.
  • Use what you hear as inspiration for your sex life and open up the conversation about potential new adventures together.

This exercise allows you to have one night where nothing is off the table. Where it is safe to express your desires and learn more about hers. Don't restrain yourself; otherwise, it will not work the same way.

I guarantee when done correctly, you're better able to find a middle ground and add different sexual activities to your life that will be more satisfying than what you're currently doing.

Now, Isabel, our female sexuality coach, will take over here to bring some fun and excitement back into your relationship.

A Woman's Perspective...
On How To Seduce Each Other

from Isabel
SEXUALITY COACH

Seduction isn't just about grand gestures; sometimes, it's the little things that make a big difference.

As someone who has taught multiple couples over the years, I've found that practical, everyday actions are what actually reignites that sexual spark. Let's dive in...

I. How To Seduce Her

Seduction is about making her feel special, appreciated, and desired.

These simple actions can make a huge difference in how connected and attracted she feels to you.

Show Your Strength

  • Carry her to the bedroom
  • Lift her up for a kiss
  • Pick her up and squat down with her then gently put her back on her feet
This works because women are attracted to masculine men and want to feel petite and protected.

Compliment Her

  • Write her a little love note and hide it under her coffee cup in the morning
  • Whisper some sweet nothings into her ear
Genuine compliments about her appearance or actions make her feel valued and noticed, which helps her feel more sexually attracted to you.

Give Her Non-Sexual Touches

  • Hold her hand
  • Hug her
  • Caress her back
A 20-second hug can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which can increase sexual attraction towards you and help her want to reignite the spark again.

Do Something Thoughtful

  • Cook dinner
  • Helping with chores
  • Put in the effort and care for her needs
It signals that you don't take her for granted, one of the most frequently mentioned reasons women break up with their partners.

Send a flirty text

  • Let her know you think about her
  • Share some naughty thoughts
To know that you are fantasizing about her and not any other females is a massive turn-on.

Women usually need an emotional connection and depth before they get aroused and are open to sexual encounters. This is why those suggestions above are brilliant ways to seduce her; remember life is foreplay!

II. How To Seduce Him

This one is for the ladies out there. 

Men appreciate feeling desired and valued just as much as women do.

Since men tend to feel emotionally connected after having sex, the ways to seduce him differ from how to seduce her.

Simple, thoughtful actions make him feel loved and increase his attraction to you.

Dress Up For Him

  • Wear some sexy lingerie and heels
  • Do your hair
  • Give him a little show and move or dance in front of him
Most men are quite visual when it comes to getting turned on, so this action will help them get in the mood.

Be Flirtatious

  • Maintain eye contact and smile genuinely
  • Lean in when talking to him
  • Use light touches to signal your attraction
Showing you are open, and receptive is sometimes all he needs, to get going and can open the floor for more.

Initiate Sex & Intimacy

  • Give him a passionate kiss
  • Whisper in his ear how much you want him
  • Wear some sexy lingerie around the house
  • Jump inside the shower with him
One of the most communicated requests from men I've worked with is "I'd love her to initiate more often". Men want to feel desired just as much as women, so flipping the tables occasionally can help get the spark back.

Compliment Him

  • Tell him what you admire about him, whether it's his work ethic, sense of humor, or physical appearance
  • Celebrate his wins with him and become his personal cheerleader
This will automatically create a closer connection and more sexual desire between you.

Be Bold

  • Start massaging his manhood
  • Give him a blowjob when he comes out of the shower
This is probably the easiest way to seduce a man. Just getting your hands on him, showing that you still desire him, is sometimes all that's needed to get sparks flying again.

As you can see, there is a feminine and a masculine way to seduce each other. Since every person and every connection is different, focus on finding out what ignites the sexual spark and works best for the two of you.

Andrew's Expert Advice To Increase Romance & Sexual Chemistry

If you're feeling like the romance and chemistry in your relationship have faded, you're not alone. It's easy for the spark to diminish, especially when life gets busy.

I've seen it happen time and time again. Over the years, I've had the pleasure of working with amazing men like yourself and helping them get their sex life back on track.

With that experience in mind, I've come up with a few techniques that I typically only give away in the courses, but I'm going to give a few of them away to you for free today. 

I. Clearing Resentments

When you hold onto negative feelings, it creates distance and tension between you and your partner.

Letting go of these feelings involves honest conversations and forgiveness. This process helps you both move forward.

Burn Resentments Exercise

  • Sit down 
  • Get small pieces of paper, a pen, a fireproof bowl, a candle, and a lighter
  • On the small pieces of paper, privately write down your resentments
  • Optional: read them out loud and say, “I let go of resenting …”  
  • Then, use a pit or burning bowl and set the papers on fire to release the negative feelings.

It is important that the focus remains on healing and moving forward, not holding onto the past and welling in the negative feelings of resentment. If done correctly, it can be a liberating practice

II. Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy goes beyond sex; it's all the little touches and gestures that show physical affection, such as holding hands, cuddling, and kissing.

These physical acts release oxytocin, which is known as the "love hormone." So, don't underestimate the power of physical intimacy in strengthening your bond.

1st Law of Love

Passionate Connect: When did you last make out with your partner? The "Passionate Connect" dares you to kiss passionately for at least 5-10 seconds daily. This creates physical intimacy and allows you to get those butterflies activated again.

III. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment.

This kind of intimacy builds trust and makes your relationship more resilient.

When you feel emotionally close, you’re more likely to support each other through tough times and enjoy the good times together even more.

2nd Law of Love

Disconnect Connect: Take the time and have a 10-minute long uninterrupted conversation with your partner daily. Set a timer and use this time to talk about things related to your romantic and intimate relationship.

Don't talk about your kids, chores, logistics, work, etc., see those 10 minutes as a chance to have an authentic conversation and deeply connect with your beautiful wife or partner every day.

IV. Self-Care

When you care for yourself, you bring a more positive and balanced version of yourself to the relationship.

This means managing stress, staying healthy, and doing things that make you happy.

Prioritizing self-care can improve your mood, boost your confidence, and increase your energy levels.

It also sets a good example for your partner and can inspire her to take better care of herself.

Ultimately, when both partners care for their own well-being, the relationship is strengthened.

Take Action

  • Move your body at least 30 minutes per day
  • Meditate 10 minutes a day
  • Eat a healthy diet; avoid refined sugar, processed foods, and vegetable oils
  • Spend 20 minutes outside daily

Following those four aspects can help you turn the trajectory of your relationship around. I've seen 20+ year married couples on the brink of divorce who turned it around by committing to what I just shared with you.

Addressing Common Sexual Challenges

Getting the spark back isn't just turning each other on. It also means avoiding the things that kill the mood.

These "brakes" are your brain creating stories around certain issues. Let's look at common challenges and how to tackle them.

Challenge #1 - Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety can be a massive challenge. Worrying about your performance can make good sex turn into something stressful instead of enjoyable.

Solution

  • Focus on the experience, not the outcome.
  • Talk to your partner about your fears.
  • Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing.

Challenge #2 - Low Libido

Low libido can make you feel disconnected. It's common and can be caused by stress, hormones, or relationship issues.

Solution

  • Schedule regular sex and date nights. 
  • Adjust your lifestyle and diet. 
  • Take supplements such as maca root or ashwagandha to boost libido.
  • Get medical advice for hormonal imbalances.
  • Reduce stress through relaxation techniques.

Challenge #3 - Body Image

Feeling self-conscious about your body can ruin intimacy. It's hard to enjoy sex when you feel like you don't deserve it. Negative thoughts about your appearance can make you avoid sex.

Solution

  • Practice self-love and positive affirmations.
  • Focus on your strengths and what you love about your body.
  • Work out, change your diet, and start looking more after yourself.

Challenge #4 - Routine Sex

Routine sex can get boring. Doing the same thing every time can make sex feel like a chore.

Solution

  • Try new positions or locations.
  • Add toys or role-playing.
  • Add more spontaneous moments.

Challenge #4 - Unresolved Relationship Conflict

Unresolved conflicts create distance. Arguments and resentment can make it hard to feel close.

Solution

  • Address issues directly. 
  • Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges.
  • Come forward more often and remember that it's you against the problem, not you against each other.
  • In moments of conflict, ask for a time out to get some fresh air and calm down before addressing the issue together.

Challenge #5 - Stress Outside The Relationship

Stress from work, family, or friends can affect your sex life. It can be hard to get in the mood or reignite the spark when you're overwhelmed.

Solution

  • Set boundaries with others to reduce stress.
  • Make time for you and her. 
  • Stand up for her when friends or family are disrespectful or judgemental.

Challenge #6 - Concerns About Pregnancy

Fear of unwanted pregnancy can make you anxious during sex. On the other hand, fears of not getting pregnant, if that's something you both want, can also create stress.

Solution

  • Use reliable birth control methods.
  • Discuss family planning with your partner.
  • Educate yourself about fertility in men and women, and learn how to prevent or support it.

Challenge #7 - Social Consequences

Concerns like waking up the kids can kill the mood when you're trying to have great sex with your partner.

Likewise, worrying about others, like your roommate or neighbors, hearing you can make you hold back.

Solution

  • Find times when privacy is guaranteed.
  • Use music or white noise to mask sounds.
  • Create a private space by sending the kids away for a night over at their granny's or aunties' house. 

If none of these solutions has fully resolved the issue, it might be time to seek professional help.

Having a third, unbiased party can help you both see this from new perspectives and mediate issues before they grow out of control.

Bonus: For Couples That Do Business Together

If you work with your partner and live together, you know it can be tough to keep the spark alive.

Seeing each other 24/7 often means getting stuck in the routine of "getting shit done."

The masculine and feminine polarity can get lost amid business goals and KPIs. That's why consciously creating polarity in your romantic relationship comes into play. 

Solution

  • Set clear boundaries between work and personal life. Have specific times when you focus solely on each other.
  • Plan regular date nights where work talk is off-limits. Focus on having fun and connecting emotionally.
  • Lean into your natural masculine and feminine energies. This can create a dynamic that feels exciting and balanced.
  • Talk about your needs outside of work. Make sure you're on the same page about keeping the romance alive.

Besides that, make time to fill your own cup, meaning do things that help you activate your natural being, whether that's feminine or masculine, and create moments during the day to focus on yourself. You can't nurture or protect a romantic connection if your own energy reservoirs are empty.

Frequently Asked Questions

A few more things before you go... If you have any remaining questions on your mind, you'll find them most likely here.

We’ve become more like roommates than lovers. How can we reconnect on a deeper level?

Focus on emotional intimacy by sharing your thoughts, dreams, and fears. Schedule regular “relationship check-ins” to discuss your feelings and any concerns. 

How can we keep the spark alive in a long-distance relationship?

Communicate regularly through calls and video chats. Plan visits whenever possible. Send thoughtful messages and surprises to show you care. Set goals for your next meeting to keep the excitement alive.

How old is too old to have sex?

There is no age limit for having sex. As long as both partners are comfortable and consenting, age should not be a barrier to a healthy sex life.

My partner and I have different levels of sexual desire. How can we bridge that gap?

It’s common for couples to have different levels of sexual desire. Begin by understanding each other’s needs and work together to find a compromise. 

Our relationship has been rough, and our sexual connection has suffered. How can we rebuild intimacy?

Rebuilding intimacy takes time and effort. Start by reconnecting emotionally by spending quality time together.

Go on dates and do activities you enjoy. Share happy memories and create new ones. 

We’ve hit a plateau in our relationship. How can we reignite the sense of growth and progress?

Set goals together, whether they’re personal, professional, or relationship-oriented.

Achieving shared objectives creates a sense of accomplishment and forward momentum. This brings energy to the relationship.

Life’s become too serious, and it’s affecting our relationship. How can we have more humor and playfulness?

Add more laughter and playfulness to your daily life. Share jokes and engage in light-hearted activities. Reminisce about funny moments and make an effort to be more spontaneous.

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CVR Blog - Single

Andrew Mioch

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Andrew Mioch is one of the world’s leading sex coaches and best-selling author after spending 10 years learning from experts all over the world.

Currently pursuing his Master’s Degree in Sexology, Andrew has personally coached over 5,000 men. His expertise is regularly sought in publications such as Men's Health, Medium, and Cosmopolitan Magazine.

These days, Andy spends most of his time coaching clients privately and also through SQL’s online Mastery Academy.

Disclosure: Our content is reader-supported. This means if you click on some of our links, then we may earn a commission. We only recommend products that we believe will add value to our readers.

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